38 weeks: welcome to the machine

[lastweek]

All over the pregnancy message boards this morning, there were posts from women as far along as me opting for inductions already. For no other reason than they're tired of being pregnant and are impatient to meet their babies. I was shocked; it was so rampant. There was maybe one person who spoke up advocating letting labor begin on its own, and I had to go back a couple of pages to find it.

I thought about it all the way to my midwife appointment. Same old song and dance in the examination room, except this time she tried to check my cervix. It was up out of reach, which means probably nothing much is happening. That's when she mentioned the "I" word. Once it slipped out of her mouth, I couldn't really focus on much more of what she said. Just that she was supporting induction as an option. I mumbled something about how I wouldn't go for that, but she talked right over me. (That seems to be happening more often lately -- I begin explaining something, or sharing an opinion, and some know-it-all runs right over my words.) I remember one of the first times I met her, she mentioned the practice wouldn't "let" patients go longer than a week past their due date. I scoffed then, and I scoff now. It's just that now I'm feeling a lot less in control, and a bit more caught up in this monster maternity care machine. It's the reason I so desperately want a doula. Unfortunately I can't afford one.

I had a slight meltdown in the car about it afterward. When I got home, I cried into a pillow while Michael tried reassuring me that he knew how I wanted things to be, and would assert himself if and when the need arose.

I remember weeks and weeks ago, I had thought about switching midwives. I had a nagging feeling about this sprawling OB/GYN practice, the idea of birthing in a hospital, the one-size-fits-all mentality. I wanted something more organic and independent. Then fear convinced me to stick with what I had going. I convinced myself it was no big thing. This late in the game, I am unable to switch providers. I entirely trust my body to do what it needs to do. However, I do not trust these people with my body.

Baby has dropped considerably. Though when the midwife tried checking my cervix, he squirmed upward and made an odd lump just beneath my left ribcage. I joked to Michael that both the baby and my cervix can sense and avoid danger.

*
Blackie's been naughty, stealing baby toys from the shelf one by one. Found a stuffed duck by the litter box. Caught him red-handed with a chickie last night, and again this morning as he cruised by, dragging a giraffe. The duck is on the mantel waiting to be washed. The others, I put on a higher shelf, but I still catch him over there once in awhile, trying to figure out how to get to them. He's also vomited on the entry rug twice, probably because he keeps eating little bits of things off the floor.

Stop eating paint chips, Blackie!


And get out of the laundry!

Comments

[spacerwoman.livejournal.com]

Your cats are more entertaining than mine - all she does is try to destroy the couch, one claw-stroke at a time.

Of course, she *is* about 19 years old...

[lastweek.livejournal.com]

Charlotte is two years old, and Blackie is one year. They're both still full of kitten energy and play off each other all the time. Probably both have a bad case of cabin fever too since they're both strictly indoors and I've been keeping the blinds closed lately.

[lastweek.livejournal.com]

I commend your cat for keepin' it real with the couch clawing at 19.

[spacerwoman.livejournal.com]

(Oh, and don't let anyone, no matter how much "authority" they have, talk you into doing what you don't want to do!)

[lastweek.livejournal.com]

I definitely can't see myself giving in, but the fact that I have to fight them tooth and nail the entire way is exhausting. It's such a mindfuck when people in charge of your "care" steamroll right over you. Standard procedure has replaced the patient as the focus of modern health care.